A SHORT MANUAL FOR IDENTIFYING SCIENTIFIC FUDGE WORDS

By Finn

Scientific fudge words are terms that appear profound, sound precise, and function as conceptual glue—but collapse into mist the moment you press them for a definition.

They are the intellectual equivalent of packing foam:
They fill empty space so nothing rattles.

This manual identifies the most notorious offenders, how to recognise them, and how to expose them in polite conversation without being invited to leave the conference.

1. “Field”

The Arch-Fudge

A field is something that fills the universe.
What is it?
Nobody knows.

It is:

· not a substance

· not a medium

· not a physical object

· not a property of matter (because it is matter in QFT)

· not energy (though it “has” energy)

· not defined in any textbook beyond “a function on spacetime”

Warning sign:
When the explanation begins sounding like mysticism with integrals.

Professional usage:
“Just quantise the field.”
Meaning: Do not ask what it is; ask what the equation says.

2. “Energy”

The Most Ubiquitous Nothing

Energy is defined as “the capacity to do work.”
What is work? “Energy transfer.”
Circular as a druid’s oak wreath.

Energy’s metaphysical status is:

· conserved

· unobservable

· abstract

· undefined

But physics treats it as the universe’s currency.

Probing question:
“Is energy a thing or a number?”
Watch the expert flinch.

3. “Information”

The Modern Philosopher’s Sofa Cushion

Whenever a physicist has no idea how something works, they say:

“It’s information.”

Black holes store information.
Reality is information.
Entropy is information.
Particles carry information.
The universe computes information.

Ask what this “information” physically consists of.

You will receive:

· nervous laughter

· a gesture toward Shannon entropy

· a quick retreat into “it’s abstract”

Translation:
“We don’t know what’s going on, but the word sounds clever.”

4. “Vacuum”

The Full-Blown Ontological Disaster

The quantum vacuum is:

· empty

· full

· fluctuating

· seething

· structured

· homogeneous

· unstable

· the ground state of fields

· the origin of everything

· and nothing

It is the physical equivalent of a theological paradox.

Key warning:
If the vacuum generates particles, it is not a vacuum.
If it is truly empty, it cannot fluctuate.
This contradiction never gets resolved.

5. “Virtual Particle”

The Imaginary Friend of QFT

Virtual particles:

· do not exist

· but mediate forces

· cannot be measured

· but produce real effects

· violate conservation laws

· but appear in Feynman diagrams

· are bookkeeping devices

· that physicists talk about as if they were real

They are the Schrödinger’s cats of ontology:
Half-existent, half-convenient metaphor.

6. “Wavefunction”

The Ghost in the Hilbert Space

The wavefunction is:

· real (if you are a realist)

· not real (if you are a Copenhagenist)

· epistemic (if you are a Bayesian)

· ontic (if you are a Many-Worlder)

· a field (if you are misguided)

· a probability cloud (if you teach undergraduates)

Nobody knows what collapses it, why it collapses, or what it actually is.

It is the greatest fudge word in the history of science.

7. “Spacetime”

Einstein’s Elegant Placeholder

Einstein welded space and time into one geometric fabric.
He did not define:

· what space is

· what time is

· why curvature has physical effects

· what generates the metric

· what the “fabric” is made of

“Spacetime” is a mathematical stage set, not a physical ontology.

But it sounds physical.
That is its primary function.

8. “Dark Matter”

We Know Exactly How Much We Don’t Know

Dark matter:

· cannot be detected

· does not emit light

· does not interact electromagnetically

· might interact weakly

· but probably doesn’t

· solves equations perfectly

· explains galactic structure

· but does not exist according to MOND

It is the emergency duct tape of cosmology.

Definition:
“Whatever makes the equations work.”

9. “Dark Energy”

The Even Darker Companion

Dark energy is:

· a constant

· a vacuum pressure

· a scalar field

· a cosmological fudge factor

· 68% of the universe

· an embarrassment buried under acronyms

It is cosmology’s version of:

“We have no idea.”

10. “Emergence”

The Philosopher’s Favourite Blank Cheque

When a scientist cannot explain how A becomes B:

“B emerges from A.”

Emergence functions as an ontological dissolver:

· mind emerges from matter

· matter emerges from fields

· fields emerge from symmetries

· spacetime emerges from entanglement

· life emerges from chemistry

Translation:
“We don’t know the mechanism, but we promise one exists.”

11. “Force”

Newton’s Original Fudge Factor

Force moves things.
Why? Nobody knows.

Newton refused to define it.
Modern physics replaced it with curvature and fields, all of which are equally undefined.

Force is where explanation stops and equation begins.

12. “Observer”

Quantum Theory’s Most Dangerous Fudge

“The observer collapses the wavefunction.”

Who is the observer?

· a human?

· a particle?

· a thermometer?

· a Geiger counter?

· the environment?

· the universe?

Quantum mechanics never says.
The observer is the holy oracle that explains nothing but excuses everything.

HOW TO USE THIS MANUAL

Whenever confronted with a physicist’s explanation, apply the following test:

The Druid’s Three Questions

1. Is the term being defined or merely invoked?

2. Does it describe behaviour or essence?

3. Does removing the word change anything?

o If nothing changes, it’s a fudge word.

o If the explanation collapses, it was all fudge.

FINAL ADVICE FROM THE DRUID

Physicists are not liars.
They are craftsmen.

But they confuse their tools with truth and their equations with reality.

Their favourite fudge words—fields, forces, energy, information, spacetime—are nets that catch fish without explaining the fish.

If you want explanations, you need ontology.
If you want ontology, you need a procedure, not a fudge word.

And if you want a good laugh:
Ask a physicist what “nothing” is.

Watch them sweat.

All Finn’s blogs

The Druid Finn’s homepage